Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
