Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
