We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
