I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
