You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize