i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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