Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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