You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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