My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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