So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
