well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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