Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
