he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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