you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
