Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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