be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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