The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I love you. Go after that dick
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
