I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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