watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
