I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
