shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
