i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
