i love accidental penises.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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