Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
