It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
