hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sarcasm needs its own font
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
