I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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