The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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