Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
