I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I forget how to act sober
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
