I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
