Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
