Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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