My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
