first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
