Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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