I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
