OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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