the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
