Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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