4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
