Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
