Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
