Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
