i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
