Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
