Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
