Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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