You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
That's when you crack a 10am beer
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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