I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize