I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
