a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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