Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
