thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
