Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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