i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
