The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
