You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
