I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
